Who, Me!?

If someone would have told me last year this time, that a year from now I would be 50 pounds lighter, jobless, and living in New York City I would have politely said, "Who me...sorry Boo you have the wrong girl"! A year ago I was one month into my weight loss journey and the idea of losing 1 pound was overwhelming, so losing 50 seemed impossible. I was working a job that I didn't love or like.  I was overworked and underpaid, but quitting was not an option because I had bills to pay. And please don't get me started on living in Atlanta. I am Ms. FILA (Forever I Love Atlanta) and leaving my beloved city was the furthest thing from my mind. As fate would have it, God had been preparing me for change and I didn't even know it.  I was the right girl and change was knocking at my door.

 So, let's fast forward to this year.  I was embarking on the 7th month of the year, and the number 7 means completion.  Boy, did I complete some things!  I had just completed an entire year of healthier living.  I was running 5K and 10K races, climbing mountains for fun, and making better choices when it came to my eating habits.  Just as I was getting into the grove of living a healthier lifestyle, my professional life was falling apart.  I started to become restless and resentful at work.  Working as a Paralegal for almost five years had never been my dream, but it was what I had settled for.  I always envisioned myself working at Essence Magazine in a creative environment focusing on music, fashion, and beauty.  Or owning a boutique that would carry my very own nail polish line and greeting card collection.  I even pictured myself being a fierce make up artist that traveled around the world enhancing people's beauty and beating their faces to the gods!  Those dreams were surely fading away.  I felt like a mouse on a sticky trap, going nowhere fast.  I cried about it, it complained about it, and then I prayed about it.  I got an answer, but it wasn't the one I wanted to hear.  "Quit my job!? Who me...I can't do that.  I have bills to pay, I don't have any money saved, and more importantly I don't have another job lined up!"  I went back and forth with God for a while, but the answer remained the same.  So, hesitantly I set a date to turn in my resignation and 24 days into the month of July I worked my last day as a Paralegal.  It was finished...but what next!? I didn't have a definitive answer to the question at hand.  I trusted that in due time God would reveal the next step. I was scared out of my mind but I knew I couldn't allow fear to continue to talk me out of my destiny.

Ironically (or not so ironically) my last day of work was the same day that I was leaving to go on vacation to New York.  My first stop was up state to Buffalo for my family reunion.  It did my heart good to spend time with my loved ones. However, I really wasn't able to fully enjoy myself because lurking in the back of my mind was the reality that when I returned to Atlanta I did not have a job waiting for me. I had to continuously remind myself that my steps are ordered by God and that I would be just fine.  The struggle going on in my mind was SO REAL, but I did the best I could to be in the moment and enjoy my family.  The next stop on my vacay was Brooklyn!!!  My best friend who lives in Brooklyn had asked me months ago to come and catch Beyonce aka The Mrs. Carters Show with her.  Coincidentally (or so it seemed) the concert was a week after my family reunion and I would already be in the state of New York.   I took an 8 hour train ride from Upstate New York into the city.  During the train ride God spoke to me and said, "I am taking you on a journey, be open to the experience, and do not be afraid".  In my head I was thinking Who me...I am not ready for that! In my heart I knew what God was saying but again, I wasn't trying to hear what was really being spoken to me.  I figured I would come see Beyonce in concert, spend about a week with my BFF, get some energy and motivation from the concrete jungle, and then head back to Atlanta to hit the ground running to make my dreams a reality. Humph, God had other plans!

The concert came and went. I was enjoying my stay in New York, but in my mind I was quietly thinking to myself (as if God couldn't here me) I could never live here! There are too many rats, I hate riding the subway, and it's so EXPENSIVE!!!! As the days went on I was ready to get back to the comfort of Atlanta and figuring out my next move.  I knew as the end of the week was quickly approaching, I needed to make travel arrangements to get back home. However, every time I attempted to look up a flight, I would hear God repeating the same thing he told me on the train ride, "I am taking you on a journey, be open to the experience, and do not be afraid."  Really God!?  I tried to ignore YOU when you said it the first time...but are you really telling me that I need to stay in New York!?  Who...me!?  I know He had heard me when I said I could never live here, so I couldn't understand why we were still having this conversation. *insert deep sigh*  I don't know why I was questioning God.  Everything within me already knew that staying in New York was not what I wanted to do, but it is what I had to do.  As the saying goes "In order to get something that you've never had, you have to do something that you've never done".  I desperately wanted to run back to Atlanta to be with my mom, hangout with my friends, and ride in the comfort of my SUV instead of the griminess of the subway that had been my reality for the last two weeks. I knew that I had a place to stay in New York, but it wasn't home.  Not to mention that the only thing I had with me was ONE suitcase full of vacation clothes. Yet, with all the emotion, fear, and discomfort going on in my head, my heart and my spirit were still saying...STAY!

I am three weeks in, trying to get the hang of this New York living.  I cried for days as I embraced this new journey that I was embarking on.  Through the tears, God ministered to me and told me that this journey is not about New York.  It is about me having enough faith in Him and believing that He will make provisions for me daily.  He is making me uncomfortable to be comfortable!  He has to stretch me so I can reach my goals and live the life I always wanted to live and not just dream about it.  I am pushing past my emotions of being afraid and allowing God to lead me.  I am taking it one moment at a time, because right now that is all I can handle.  It has been a struggle to silence the voice of fear and regret.  Everyday I ask myself, "Did I make the right decision"!?  Just when I feel an emotional breakdown setting in, God gently pulls me back in and reassures me that my steps are ordered and His grace is sufficient. He speaks to me through my loved ones daily and constantly confirms that I am on the right path.  He also reminds me that just because it is the right path doesn't meant that it is going to be easy. I am learning to really believe in myself and know that I deserve to live my BEST life now. I am on a mission to find myself, to really explore the true essence of who I am, and to do the work that I always dreamed of doing.  So as you can see I am that girl who is fifty pounds lighter, jobless, and living out her LoveLea Experience in New York...what's next you ask!?  Stay tuned....

Soul Mates

So I was reading the other day and came across a statement that struck me intensely.  The statement said: "Everything has a process".  It sounded simple enough, but was it really!? After letting the statement sink in, I was moved to research the definition of the word Process: A continuous action, operation, or a series of changes taking place in a definite matter.  Wow!!! Ok so that's why that statement struck such a chord with me...

I made a life changing decision to go natural with my hair.  I actually shocked myself with the sudden choice because I never thought I would go natural.  It wasn't because I am or was addicted to the creamy crack.  Believe me I was not on that “Good Hair” bandwagon and still have  not seen the documentary.  That desire to be a “natural sister” just hadn’t knocked on my door, so I was content with my  relaxed, easy to manage, cute and funky mane...or so I thought.

*Knock Knock* Natural came tapping at the front door of my mind.  Willingly, I let her in and embraced the idea.  I eventually agreed to a new found relationship with her and vowed that I would give my hair to her for better or worse.  I said goodbye to Relaxer, with whom I had been in a relationship with since I was six years old (talk about history).  Relaxer had always been there to help my hair bounce back quickly if I got caught in the rain or went swimming. On the flip side, she also caused my hair to thin out and break off as the years came and went.  (You know how we do with relationships, embrace the good aspects and ignore all the red flags…I’m just saying)

The union between Natural and I started off like most relationships do when they are in that “newness phase”.  It was full of excitement and butterflies every time I looked in the mirror, constantly imagining what life would be like once all the baggage from Relaxer was a distant memory.  I was very attentive to her needs, being careful to keep her washed, pressed, and moisturized.  After a few weeks it seemed that Natural was becoming too needy.  In my previous relationship with Relaxer, I could pretty much do whatever I wanted and she would still look good, but Natural was different. She proved to be one of those high maintenance types who didn’t take well to rain, heat or humidity.  I found myself pressing Natural out every other day.  Something had to give because this was not the relationship I had in mind. 

I decided to have a heart to heart with Natural to vent my frustrations with our situation. Come to find out, Natural had a few frustrations of her own.  She informed me that I was treating her like she was Relaxer, and that was not going to work. She had her own way of doing things.  She explained to me that all the heat that I was putting on my hair was giving her the blues so in retaliation she would give me the blues by puffing up every time I walked out the door.  She told me that if I would only be patient and let her live up to her full potential, she would blow my mind.  Natural assured me that we had only touched the surface of the possibilities that awaited me and my disgruntled mane.

With such a convicting disposition, I had no other choice but to commit whole-heartily to Natural.  No longer having the desire to straddle the fence, I cut Relaxer out of my life for good…literally.  I didn’t have any regrets as I looked in the mirror at the curly afro that reflected back at me.  Natural sweetly whispered to me and said, “Look how beautiful you are”.  I had to admit, I saw myself in a way that even I was in awe of.  I was captivated by a texture that I never knew existed.  Even my fingers had a new found love affair with the feel of my newly cropped and curly mane, thanks to Natural.

It has been six months since Natural and I have been together, and everyday is a welcomed challenge.  There always seems to be some new product, technique, or style that keeps our union fresh.  Natural never neglects to remind me that with her, my locks and I will always be protected.  She truly has our best interest at heart.  She has even brought me closer to her counterparts, Patience and Commitment.  Some days we struggle to connect, but most days are amazing.  Till death do us part, my hair and I are living are own naturally ever after.

LeaLiz Lovelea